i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I bet he comes in French.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
