and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
