When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
