You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
