Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The uberlube is also flammable
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
