what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
