oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
