Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
