i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
