Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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