i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
don't judge my taste in strippers
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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