If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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