she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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