the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
