I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
