if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
