I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
