McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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