I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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