I love black thongs
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
