I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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