No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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