I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
birth control should be required to get into college
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
