yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
