did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
