there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
