You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
