The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
