how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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