pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
