I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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