she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
