i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH