I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful