found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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