Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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