It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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