her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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