positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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