I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
