Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
