at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
