I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
