I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
