I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
