i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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