i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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