I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Congratulations! We have a period
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
