Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
They have beer where we have blood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
