Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
