life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
