He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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