I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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